


I just want you to know who I am

by Rainbowskit



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dean perspective, Destiel - Freeform, I became Dean, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 20:24:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11043660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainbowskit/pseuds/Rainbowskit
Summary: It's not easy being Dean Winchester. At least, that's what he thought of himself, until he actually took time to think. Plunge inside Dean's head and live the emotions of teenage and young adult with him as he discovers who he is.





	I just want you to know who I am

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! First time trying to do something from Dean's perspective, you can ask my best friend, I always write from Castiel's perspective. But I took the plunge and gave myself a big challenge: I became Dean Winchester.
> 
> I hope you like this, my first official Destiel story. Yes, it is a one shot.

The day I laid my eyes on Castiel Novak, I knew my life had changed. I knew my life would never be the same. What I didn’t know was how… And I never expected it to take this turn. We were only 15 when I first met him. He had just moved to our town with his family and they were our new neighbors.

At first, I couldn’t wrap my head around the guy. Always dressed weird, I mean, who wears buttoned shirts under hoodies to go to high school? We were a hunting town. He really stood out from the crowd. But he didn’t seem to care. He also seemed to a bit strange. Whenever we talked about a movie or the new show on TV, he didn’t seem to understand what we were talking about. As if he was not aware of popular culture.

But the one thing that annoyed me the most about Castiel Novak was his smile. It was too bright. Too… teethy. It was just too frank, I honestly thought it was fake. Too straight. How could someone have a smile like this?

Over the next three years, I learned to appreciate the guy. He was kind of nice. Actually… He was the nicest person to ever walk the surface of the Earth. Seriously. He would go out of his way to make sure everybody was happy and no one needed anything.

We became friends, very good friends. He helped me through a very bad relationship with my father. He supported me when I decided to move out at 17 and even came to live with me to make sure I’d be okay.

This brought more anger from my dad who thought I was running away with a boyfriend. And my father was the most homophobic man ever. But Castiel and I were friends. Best friends. Nothing else.

At least… That’s what I thought.

  
***

  
By the time I turned 20, life was getting worse for me. By then, I knew Castiel had a crush on me. He had told me, but didn’t want things to change between us, because he wanted to keep our friendship the way it was. I couldn’t wrap my head around it, yet somehow, knowing my best friend loved me gave me this weird feeling in my stomach.

I had talked about it to my brother who was a law student and had had psychology classes. Sam was assured I was gay. It had made me so angry that I did not talk to him for weeks. Dean Winchester was not a friggin’ faggot. I was not a dick lover.

I had a girlfriend, an amazing girlfriend. No seriously, she was great. Nice tits and all. I think? Her name was Lisa. I couldn’t see myself living the rest of my life with her, but she loved me and she was caring and nice, so I knew I could be happy with her.

But I wasn’t. I had this empty feeling inside of me. And that weird thing whenever I looked at Castiel.

  
***

  
I was working as a mechanic. I always loved cars. Muscle cars especially. The noise they made, that purring, it was like music to my ears. Their curves and lines could make a man go soft in any second. I just loved it. And working on them was just so much fun.

After a few years out of the house, things were getting better with my dad. So much so that he had me hired at his friend’s garage. Bobby taught me everything he knew. I wasn’t with Lisa anymore, but I was okay with it. Being single was better for me anyways. I couldn’t settle down with just one person, I don’t think.

For once, I was happy. My best friend and I were still sharing an apartment together, my little brother had gotten engaged, and my parents were living their life to the fullest now that both kids were out of the house. I was happy, for real.

Castiel was an amazing best friend. The best you could think of. Most of times I didn’t even need to talk to him and he knew what to say to cheer me up, when I had a bad day or a bad week. And I was forever thankful for him. I wasn’t really good with emotions.

After Lisa dumped me, I sheltered myself a little more, but all in all, I was doing well. I thought I had the perfect life.

Then Castiel turned 21 and got wasted. Typical 21st birthday, mind you. Except… He came home and came to my room that night. It wasn’t the first time he’d sleep in my bed. Whenever there was a storm, he’d get scared and I’d scoot over let him take a little spot at my side. But that night, it was different.

I could see the lust in his eyes. He never acted on it. Never. But I could see he was tortured and I could see the pain. His big blue eyes were staring inside my soul. I could feel him read me like an open book. And all I could do was stare back.

Something inside me was moving. I realized my heart was beating faster. I closed my eyes and swallowed, before opening them again. Castiel had fallen asleep. I took a moment to examine him. For the first time, I doubted myself.

There he was, sleeping on my bed. My best friend. Yet he looked like an angel from Heaven. His eyes were closed, but I could clearly see the blue in my mind. His nose, pointy, masculine. His lips, slightly opened, letting a little air in as he slept. And that five o’clock shadow he seemed to have mastered.

My brain froze. What was I thinking?! Dean Winchester was not a faggot. Yet… my heart was racing in my chest. What was happening? What were those feelings I had? I closed my eyes again. Let my heart calm down. And before I knew… I was asleep too.

We never spoke of that night again. Castiel told me it was blurry, because of the alcohol he had drank. I don’t know if it was true, but I was glad he didn’t want to talk more of it.

  
***

  
Over the next couple of months, I saw myself change. A lot. I realized I smiled more when Castiel was around. I realized I was thinking of him more. And I started doubting myself even more.

I talked with Sam again. I listened to him this time. He was my little brother, he knew me better than anyone else. Except Cas. Him again.

I would catch myself thinking like that all the time. “What would Cas do?” or “What would Cas say?” I started dreaming of him. I woke up in tears in the middle of the night after a dream where I kissed him and he rejected me. I didn’t understand what was happening.

I decided to talk to him about it. After he came back from work at the pastry shop, he was a pastry chef, I sat him down in the living room and explained to him what was happening inside of me.

He looked at me with that smile. That smile I used to hate. That smile I wanted to punch so badly. And now all I could think of was how much I wanted to kiss him.

Gently, he put his hand on my cheek. His face came closer to mine. His words still resonate in my head. “Close your eyes”… I did. And I felt his lips on mine. They were the softest lips I had ever tasted in my life. Castiel didn’t push further. He simply kissed me softly. He was about to move back, but I held him back. I don’t know why. I needed the kiss to last longer.

So he pressed his lips back a little harder. I felt his tongue on the edge of my lips. I opened them a little to let him in. Our tongues danced a little and I lost it. I made out with him, full mouth. It was good. It was so good. It was too good.

I felt my dick move in my pants. It scared the shit out of me. So much that I jumped up and ran to my room. Castiel didn’t try to hold me back. I still wish he did, but he didn’t. I think I hurt him then. But he never acknowledged it.

  
***

  
Days and weeks went by. I just couldn’t look at Cas the same way anymore. Whenever I saw him, my heart was pounding, my hand became moist and my legs were shaking. That kiss changed something in me. I wasn’t straight. I never was. I just couldn’t see it until now.

All that hate back in high school, I was just jealous of him. Because he never hid who he was. He always knew his preferences and always acted that way. And I was jealous. Because I was hiding myself. Because I was scared of my father.

And now that I had tasted a man’s lips, I knew I would never go back. I knew I would be my father’s disappointment. I knew I would never have the family he dreamed of for me. And I knew I would lose him.

But somehow, I didn’t care that much. I cared more about the fact that I had hurt my best friend. We didn’t speak of the kiss. It was a taboo. We acted like it didn’t happen, but something had changed. Castiel didn’t sleep in my bed anymore. We wouldn’t sit next to each other at the table like we used to do. But whenever we passed each other in the apartment, we could feel this electric shock between us.

I wanted to talk to him, but I was so scared. I was never good with emotions, as I said. And I didn’t know what to tell him. Because I didn’t know what I was feeling. Was it lust? Was it love? I just couldn’t figure it out. And I didn’t want to hurt Cas more than I already did. So I shut up.

  
***

  
And then it was my 21st birthday. Tonight. Castiel was throwing me a big celebration. I knew a few details, but not everything. Cas refused to tell me. I knew there would be all of our friends. My parents, my brother.

So here I was, in front of my closet, unsure of what to wear. Castiel had told me to go casual chic. The only things I owned were flannel and band shirts. And jeans. Tons of jeans. So I asked Cas if I could borrow one of his button shirt. We wore about the same size shirt and even if it was a bit tight, it still fit correctly.

I looked at myself in the mirror. My dark blue jeans were nicely complemented by Castiel’s white button shirt. I rolled up the sleeves to feel more comfortable and free in my movements. I saw Cas’ look. I could see the lust right there. But the look was gone as fast as it came. It still made my heart pound. I wish I could have told him something. But I wasn’t able.

Castiel looked great too. He was wearing grey jeans and a very light blue button shirt. It made his eyes look even better, even brighter. I smiled to him, he smiled back and we were on our way.

He was taking me to a restaurant where everyone was waiting. We would have a big meal, all together, where my family would give me some gifts and then our friends and I would go out to celebrate.

The meal was great. I had tons of fun. I was so happy to be surrounded by the people I loved the most. I glanced at Castiel a few times and saw he was glancing too. I also saw my dad’s face. He didn’t miss a thing. I knew he had caught on. And I could see he was furious. But he was decent enough not to make a scene in front of everyone. He was still a respectful man. And I would thank him later for that.

After the meal, I received gifts, various things, some sillier, some nicer. I thanked everyone for being there. Castiel’s smile almost made me choke. I could see he was truly happy right now. To be there with me. And so was I.

Then Castiel, Charlie, Kevin, Meg and I left. I didn’t want to spend the night with anyone else than these people. We went to a karaoke place where you could rent a room to be in private groups. It was perfect. I loved singing. It was Castiel’s idea. Of course it was. He knew me so well.

We sang a few songs to get in the mood. We ordered a couple of drinks but I didn’t want to get wasted. I had a plan, and I wanted to be able to go through with it. Meg and Charlie sang “Girls just wanna have fun” and we all laughed at how much fun they were having.

I was having the time of my life. But I was fucking nervous. Because I had things to say and I didn’t know how to tell them. I flipped through the booklet with all the song selection and a title just jumped at me.

I knew what to do. I would sing what I had to say. I typed in my selection and waited for my turn. I got up and took the microphone from Kevin’s hand. I needed to stand. I couldn’t sit down, it was too hard.

The first notes started and Castiel looked right at me. I took a deep breath and looked right back at him.

_And I'd give up forever to touch you_   
_'Cause I know that you feel me somehow_   
_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_   
_And I don't wanna go home right now_

Castiel blinked a few times, but kept looking at me. His lips opened a bit.

_And all I can taste is this moment_   
_And all I can breathe is your life_   
_When sooner or later it's over_   
_I just don't wanna miss you tonight_

_And I don't want the world to see me_   
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_   
_When everything's made to be broken_   
_I just want you to know who I am_

I didn’t see anyone else but him. I knew the others were there, but I couldn’t see them. I was alone with him. It was me, Dean Winchester, and him, Castiel Novak.

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_   
_Or the moment of truth in your lies_   
_When everything feels like the movies_   
_Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive_

_And I don't want the world to see me_   
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_   
_When everything's made to be broken_   
_I just want you to know who I am_

I walked closer to him. He got up and stood in front of me. I stared at him right in the eyes and he stared back. He wasn’t smiling, but I could see it in his eyes. The love he had for me.

_And I don't want the world to see me_   
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_   
_When everything's made to be broken_   
_I just want you to know who I am_

_I just want you to know who I am_   
_I just want you to know who I am_   
_I just want you to know who I am_

  
After the last sentence, I dropped the mic on the floor. Castiel took my hands. I held him back and we kissed. We kissed like I had never kissed before. And at that very moment, I knew.

\- I love you, Castiel Novak.


End file.
